CLIENT: Lauren Lane
SUBJECT: Jared Pitcher
FINDINGS: At approximately 9:15 p.m. on January 8th, Mr. Pitcher was observed exiting the Redmond Mall holding hands with an unknown accomplice. Upon further investigation, the girl was identified as Maria Archer. Ms. Archer was carrying a bag from Victoria's Secret.
The couple was then seen going into Ms. Archer's house and staying there for several hours watching The Notebook. Enclosed is the photographic evidence. Please note that picture 49 captures a full-fledged make-out, confirming the cheat.
We trust that this report will remain confidential as some of the information contained within could compromise our top-secret status.
SOS is sorry for your loss, and we offer our deepest sympathies. We hope that we will not have to assist you again in the future, but please keep us in mind for referrals.